My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
