either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
