My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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