I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My penis needs a shock collar
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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