i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Drunk is not a location!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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