I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
