In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
