saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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