dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
