The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize