Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
