so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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