it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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