We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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