The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
