I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
