I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
