the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
