Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My vagina is officially offended.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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