were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
