I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
