if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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