I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
