3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
