They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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