I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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