i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
