oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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