It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
