I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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