I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
