I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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