Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
