Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
