Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
