I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
