What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
