i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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