Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
