I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
