see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
