Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
handjob tips. give me some.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
