Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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