Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
