trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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