I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize