Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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