Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My hand turned me down
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
