none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
