I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
