$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
