Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
