but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
