Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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