i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You've changed since you got that strap on
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
