genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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