i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
