I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
